Mink Juice

So, at about 9:30 last night I make a trip down to Osco. The purpose of this trip is to pick up some black shoe polish. After locating the shoe polish display, I realize that this may not be a simple task. As I'm scanning the shelves for your basic black shoe polish, it suddenly occurs to me the seemingly endless choices of shoe care products available! From left to right: You got your Tennis Shoe Cleaner, why won't soap and water work?; Tennis Shoe Repair; Tennis Shoe Whitener; Tennis Shoe Polish, now what's the difference between the whitener and the polish? Any person of even the most limited intelligence can read the back of these bottles and see that labels are damn near IDENTICAL. It's just worded differently!! You got your Tennis Shoe Scuff Spray, and then on to the products for all other shoes. You got your Paste Wax, your Liquid Polish, in shoe terms what's the difference between the wax and the polish? Are there instances where one is better than the other? You got your 'Twist-n-Shine', which is the paste polish in this over-packaged, over-priced plastic twist-up applicator thingy which the geniuses at KIWI claim to be 'Easy to use, less mess, and lasts longer'. This method seems comparable to me using my fucking deoderant to polish my shoes! Somehow this doesn't seem like it would be ANY of those descriptions! Then you got your Shoe Cream, I don't even want to know what the hell that's for! You got your Creams, Polishes, Waxes, all available in these plastic bottles with the little angled foam applicator tip deals that are SUPPOSED to apply just the right amount of product to the surface. Yeah right!! Then there are the many other products that aren't neccesarily a polish, but are still included in the rather disorganized display. These would include your Carnuba Wax, any ideas? Your Saddle Oil, shouldn't this be in the 'Horse Care' section? You got your Mink Oil. How many minks does one have to squeeze to get just ONE can of this crap?! And do they scream when you squeeze them? Or do they go the more humane route, and put them to sleep first? But does the drug have an adverse effect on the quality of the Mink Oil?! So maybe as consumers we should be asking the suppliers 'Is this fresh-squeezed Mink Oil, or that more laboratory-intensive, lesser-quality stuff.......?!
-Greg