Panera Bread and Ass-Crack

Doesn't really go together, does it? Well, apparently one twenty-something female thought so on Thursday.

REWIND: After getting my food and drink, I pulled up a chair at one of the few remaining tables. The snobs and despondent housewives were out in force. And if you are a snob or an 'overpriced' housewife that's had so many Botox injections that your lips look like stuffed, fried ravioli - shut it. Even us po' folk like tasty, overpriced lunch meat and a Dixie cup of soup. Now back to the ass.
As I'm enjoying a warm-n-fuzzy moment with Greg, enjoying the hot soup on a cold day, I look up and WHOA! ---- Ass bogey at 1:00! Said female and friend were sitting two tables away, also enjoying a nice lunch - WITH THREE INCHES OF ASS CRACK SPEAKING DIRECTLY AND ONLY TO ME! Wow! Let's check out a snippet of the PG-rated thoughts or conversations running through my head for the next 17 minutes on that day:
"Hi.....my name is Greg. Oh, hi there. Nice to meet you. So do you come here often? Really? No....I've just not seen you here before. I come in from time to time....hey, take care. Yeah, you too. What's that? Oh, a Virgo....great. I'm a Scorpio....and you should know that I've never met a female ass that I didn't want to worship AND smack at the same time. Hey, I gotta run."..........."Bite of turkey sandwich...look up, ass-crack. Sip of soda...look over, ASS-CRACK! Spoonful of soup...look up, STILL MORE ASS-CRACK!! Good Lord, make it STOP! It's driving me MAD! Just let me eat my lunch in peace! STOP STALKING ME, Ass-Crack!!"..........."Bob, the next contestant on our fourth day of College Week is Keri Reiner, from the University of Illinois!! KERI REINER - COME ON DOWN! YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THIS ASS IS SO RIGHT!!!"..........."So the ass-crack in this situation is like coming up on a tremendous accident scene on the interstate. The authorities have the two lanes knocked down to one, you're sitting a mile back in traffic that's moving, but at a greasy snails pace. All the while you're waiting, you're thinking 'Shit, it must be bad. Somebody must've gotten killed. God, I can't look.' Ten minutes pass and you're like 'Fuck already - what's taking SO long? My iPod battery is dying. Scrape him off the pavement, and MOVE IT!' Then you get closer, you spot a white sheet next to the crumpled car in the median - you start to get anxious. Excited and grossed out at the same time. Then as you roll by slowly, you STARE.....yet try to look away so you don't look like a sick-ass, rubberneckin', black-hearted motherfucker.....but you STARE again.....look away.....then STARE again via your rear-view mirror.....look away......then STARE again from your side mirror, leaning WAAAYY over into the passenger seat to catch another glimpse at just the right angle. I am this person and this ass-crack is that accident. As much as I try to pull my eyes away from the ass-crack, the ass-crack draws me in. Stare at the ass-crack, but don't get excited by the ass-crack. As nasty as the ass-crack might be, you still want a closer look. You can't help but gawk at the ass-crack. The ass-crack is EVIL.....yet sweet medicine for the sick eyes."

I'll be back at Panera at 11:40 this Thursday..